As of this morning, the will of God seems to be to allow natural selection to take its course, to prevent ourselves from dying, to care for the poor, to force people into poverty, to bring justice to criminals, to hug the pain away, to save the environment and pollute the Earth to speed up the arrival of the rapture, that aliens are real, that we’re still the center of the universe, to heal the sick, to block access to healthcare, to wash your hands before dinner, to be monogamous, to take several brides, to seek the truth within yourself, to send your checks to the man on TV, to take things in moderation, to be Epicurean, to be honest but only when it benefits you, to protest abortion, to fight for the right of women to choose, to kill those who are not Christians, to continually redefine what a Christian is according to your needs, to bless America, to support Donald Trump, to advocate for socialism, to beat people that use the word socialism, to live in harmony, to turn the other cheek, to save the whales, to render unto Caesar what is his, to hoard your riches and be buriedscreen-shot-2013-10-30-at-9-12-49-pm with your wealth, to honor your father and mother, to question everything, to love your neighbor but only if they have the opposite type of genitalia, to love whomever you wish, to never let the sun set on your anger, to never forget, to reap what you sow, to reap what others sow, to drive a hybrid car, to only run on diesel, to rename fries to support freedom, to eat only a French diet, to have faith, to create your own faith, to believe in unseen forces, to cling to the undisputed facts of science (and then change them), to pray for healing, to pray that your enemies will be struck down, to bless the Colts and not the Patriots, to be the master of your own destiny, to let Jesus take the wheel, to reject tangible possessions, to collect Precious Moments figures, to study hard, to cheat because that means you’re trying harder, to dance to Van Morrison, to only teach your children hymns, to wear pants, to wear skirts, to wear your hair up, to only wear mohawks on Tuesdays, to await the return of the Anunnaki, to put up billboards welcoming the Anunnaki, to put a billboard next to it telling people to live in fear of the Savior’s judgement, to live each moment as if it were your last, to prepare for the inevitable financial collapse of the world.

There’s just one tiny problem.

God never said any of those things.